How I'm not losing my mind

I am the mom of 2 beautiful children.  Sofia is one and Eli is four.  Eli recently decided that nothing I say is accurate.  For example (not an actual conversation but may as well be):

Me, "The sky is blue."
Eli, "No it's not."
Me, "Look up."
Eli, "I can't."

In addition, though he only weighs 37 lbs, his emotions are the size of King Kong.  It seems like we no longer have to work up to a tantrum.  Everything is "the end of the world".  In other words, I have been slowly losing my mind and seriously reconsidering having children.  Maybe I've missed that boat.

Recently someone (I won't say it was my therapist) recommended I read, "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Slowly I'm working my way through it, but already my sanity is being restored.  I highly recommend it to parents of children of any age, and anyone who works with children.

So far this book is all about acknowledging (aka validating) your child's emotions, giving them words to describe those emotions, and recognizing how frequently (and inadvertently) we deny our children their emotions.  This doesn't always mean you approve of the emotion, or corresponding action, but you acknowledge they feel what they feel.  For example, we've had several conversations like this lately (actual conversation):

Me, "It's nap time buddy."
Eli, "No it's not.  I want to read another story!"
Me, "We already read our story.  It's nap time now, let's go brush teeth."
Eli (begin whiny, I'm about to flip out and loose all marbles voice), "NO it's not!  I'm not taking a nap, never!  Read Color Kittens!"
Me, "Wow.  You really don't want to sleep."
Eli, "No I don't."
Me, "You just want to stay up all day, and never take a nap."
Eli, "Yeah, that's what I want."
Me, "You wish that we could keep reading stories all day long, and when we finished reading all your stories, we'd start reading them again!" (excited voice)
Eli, "Yeah, that's what I wish." (He's excited now too)
Me, "That would be so fun.  I wish we could do that."
Eli, "Me too!" *Big smile*
Me, "Well, would you like to brush your teeth, or would you like me to help you?"
Eli (hops down from the chair and walks to the bathroom) "I'll do it."

Rather than a huge, stress inducing, potentially waking up sister, mega tantrum.  We're having conversations.  There's two things I did in that conversation that are really helping us.  1)  I acknowledge and put his feelings into words (giving my full attention)  2)  I give him what he wants in fantasy.

Life isn't perfect or anything, but as my blog title implies, I'm no longer losing my mind.  I'm excited to continue reading this book, as I'm only about a quarter of the way through.

Another insight that has lifted a weight from my shoulders, Eli's tantrums have nothing to do with me.  His fits are not a judgement or indictment on my own inability to control my emotions.  He is going through a necessary and very normal stage.  He needs to know there are boundaries, and I'm grown up enough to handle his negative emotions.  He needs to know he's not all powerful, and doesn't manipulate the entire house with his wants and needs.  That much power isn't good for children, and puts way too much pressure on them.  I am learning to be the grown up for him.  Emphasis on learning.

"The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them.  The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them.  I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family, you'd better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness."  How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk