Turn or burn, a choice?

One of the mantras I heard over and over and over again within my church culture was, "God has given us free will."  This mantra was often used in reference to choosing salvation or damnation.  Not uncommonly it was used to assuage our guilt over those who were "choosing" damnation.

However, I'd like to clarify something.  "Turn or burn" is not a choice.  No matter how much you dress it up, twist it, or neatly place it between platitudes.  That's like saying the child being abused by a trusted adult has a choice.  

Many I know disagree, but I'd challenge you to consider how to bring people to Christ without hanging hell over their heads.  Try to comment on this blog without hanging it over mine.  If you have to drop the "H" bomb while sharing your faith, or the "You don't know what happens after you die" line, all it shows me is that your particular brand of faith is founded on fear.  Your "god" doesn't have anything better to offer than a veiled threat.

I love faith.  I LOVE people of faith.  But it seems to me, there's a version of "Christianity" in America today that has substituted the character of Christ with the character of the devil, and called it good.

"Do this or burn forever" is not a choice.  Love wouldn't insist it is.   

Existential musings from the sandbox

Eli, "Mommy, when were you a kid?"
Mommy, "13 years ago according to the state but 27 years since I was your age."
Eli, "When did you die?"
Mommy...long pause..."I've never died buddy."
Eli, "Do we get to live forever, and never die?"
Mommy, "Everybody dies someday sweetheart."
Eli, "Mommy, did you have daddy when you were a kid?"
Mommy, "No.  I grew up, then I met daddy."
Eli, "Did you have a mommy when you were a kid?"
Mommy, "Yes, everyone is born with a mommy.  Grandma is my mommy."
Eli, "Then was I in grandma's tummy before I was born?"
Mommy, "No buddy, you were in my tummy.  I was in grandma's tummy."
Eli, "Was I in your tummy when you were a kid?"
Mommy, "No buddy.  I grew up first, then met daddy, then daddy and I made you, and you were in my tummy."

How I'm not losing my mind

I am the mom of 2 beautiful children.  Sofia is one and Eli is four.  Eli recently decided that nothing I say is accurate.  For example (not an actual conversation but may as well be):

Me, "The sky is blue."
Eli, "No it's not."
Me, "Look up."
Eli, "I can't."

In addition, though he only weighs 37 lbs, his emotions are the size of King Kong.  It seems like we no longer have to work up to a tantrum.  Everything is "the end of the world".  In other words, I have been slowly losing my mind and seriously reconsidering having children.  Maybe I've missed that boat.

Recently someone (I won't say it was my therapist) recommended I read, "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Slowly I'm working my way through it, but already my sanity is being restored.  I highly recommend it to parents of children of any age, and anyone who works with children.

So far this book is all about acknowledging (aka validating) your child's emotions, giving them words to describe those emotions, and recognizing how frequently (and inadvertently) we deny our children their emotions.  This doesn't always mean you approve of the emotion, or corresponding action, but you acknowledge they feel what they feel.  For example, we've had several conversations like this lately (actual conversation):

Me, "It's nap time buddy."
Eli, "No it's not.  I want to read another story!"
Me, "We already read our story.  It's nap time now, let's go brush teeth."
Eli (begin whiny, I'm about to flip out and loose all marbles voice), "NO it's not!  I'm not taking a nap, never!  Read Color Kittens!"
Me, "Wow.  You really don't want to sleep."
Eli, "No I don't."
Me, "You just want to stay up all day, and never take a nap."
Eli, "Yeah, that's what I want."
Me, "You wish that we could keep reading stories all day long, and when we finished reading all your stories, we'd start reading them again!" (excited voice)
Eli, "Yeah, that's what I wish." (He's excited now too)
Me, "That would be so fun.  I wish we could do that."
Eli, "Me too!" *Big smile*
Me, "Well, would you like to brush your teeth, or would you like me to help you?"
Eli (hops down from the chair and walks to the bathroom) "I'll do it."

Rather than a huge, stress inducing, potentially waking up sister, mega tantrum.  We're having conversations.  There's two things I did in that conversation that are really helping us.  1)  I acknowledge and put his feelings into words (giving my full attention)  2)  I give him what he wants in fantasy.

Life isn't perfect or anything, but as my blog title implies, I'm no longer losing my mind.  I'm excited to continue reading this book, as I'm only about a quarter of the way through.

Another insight that has lifted a weight from my shoulders, Eli's tantrums have nothing to do with me.  His fits are not a judgement or indictment on my own inability to control my emotions.  He is going through a necessary and very normal stage.  He needs to know there are boundaries, and I'm grown up enough to handle his negative emotions.  He needs to know he's not all powerful, and doesn't manipulate the entire house with his wants and needs.  That much power isn't good for children, and puts way too much pressure on them.  I am learning to be the grown up for him.  Emphasis on learning.

"The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them.  The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them.  I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family, you'd better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness."  How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

To blog

Once again, I find myself inspired to start blogging. Days seem to roll by faster than they used to, the kids are growing, everything is changing (mostly us), and I want to capture more than a status update can provide.

I started writing songs again. There's so many reasons this is significant, which will probably be touched on in later posts. But yesterday I wrote a love song. It may be the first love song I've ever written. Married 11 years, 2 kids later, from 20 to 31, a lot changes. The lyrics go something like this:

Easy, is not what I'd call this

But easy, is not what I wanted anyway...And we're okay

We were young, Thought we'd never change, Thought our love would always stay the same, But should it...

Then I changed, You changed, Our god changed, And we grew older

Easy, is not what I'd call this

But easy, is not what I wanted anyway...And we're okay

I fight for you, You fight for me, When the bruises all heal, We both still have stars in our eyes...

Hope you can relate. Maybe I'll start recording stuff and posting.